Thursday, November 11, 2010

Adulthood

As a child when things in my life were crummy, or even as a young adult when I made bad choices that left me feeling like life couldn't possibly go on. I would seclude myself, usually outside to close my eyes and picture myself as a bird flying far away from my problems and the impossible issues of the time. Oddly, my life as a bird brought me great comfort. This vision made me feel like freedom was close even tangible. It centered me amid the chaos of life.

Today I feel the chaos closing in, threatening to swallow me whole.

I am just getting back home from a whirlwind benefit open enrollment tour of sorts. I left Sunday to DC, returned Monday night at midnight. Flew out the next morning to San Francisco and reuturned home late Wednesday night. Only to wake early for work this morning. Traveling for work is not glamourous or fun, even though I think it sounds that way. It's lonely, exhausting and tons of work.
.
I returned to piles of "to do" lists in the office and at home. After 9 hours I have made no progress. I have so much running through my mind, I don't even know where to start. At home I am trying to juggle everyday life, groceries, meals, homework, after school schedules, bills, cleaning, Thanksgiving plans, dance recitals, catering orders...on and on.  At work, I literally have piles of work on my desk and today, over 250 unanswered emails. This, amid the other corporate politics I am trying to battle. Work is rough and I am feeling very underapprecaited, over worked and under paid.

I am also trying to gracefully deal with physical pain. A few weeks ago I finally saw a podiatrist who explained I will need surgery and soon-on both feet! The pain has intensitified with the perks of flying-swelling and lots of it. With work as busy as it is this season I have to put off my surgery until January, which seems an impossible feat (no pun intended :).

As if this wasn't enough. Today Paul and I had a spat. I said things that I very much meant and things I should have said at a more conveient time and definitely with greater love. Our disagreement was literally my breaking point.

After our somewhat heated discussion I drove back to work. Feeling the full weight of my life responsibilities pressing down hard. I was certain that they would most literally crush me. I sat in my car, attempting to compose myself and I wished, once again, to be a bird. To fly away from this crummy state, this crummy feeling, this crummy circumstance. To feel the freedom of flight and the problems of my world far beneath me. Only this time my day dream offered no comfort or relief. At first, this left me feeling more upset-even my own fantasy's can't give me what I need.

I have thought alot about my bird today, which brought to mind many memeories both good and bad. This pondering has helped me understand the void of comfort and accept the fact I am no longer a child. I hear people say they never feel older than 19, I get what they mean. However today, I can't help but admit I can no longer avoid adulthood. Time to face facts. These responsibilies and obligations that seem so relentless are ones I have created or chosen, as opposed to those that happened to me as a child. And the reality is...I have the ability and tools I need to change. Change my job, change my situation, change my attitude. Something I never realized as a child. I can change.

My goal in writing this is to remind myself that life goes on.  A documented memory to remember to roll with the punches and change what and where I can and realize that good is all around. Taking a step back from today's issues will reveal an endless feild of blessings of that I am certain. I see them. I need to count them and I will recognize that life is still good amid the chaos. I am employed, my body will heal, I will find the courage to confront my boss, the job will get done, relief will come.

Today, I release my little bird. Facing the fact that adulthood means responsibility. Responsibility to others and to myself. Escape is not freedom. I understand this. I accept this. I find strength and determination in my ability to adapt and change.

5 comments:

Christy said...

so - i was thinking...maybe we should go work in jackson for the summer :) ha ha!

you are no longer a bird - because what you haven't realized thru your amazingness is that you have become an eagle...the strongest of sorts. Those tools you have are the strongest wings - the toughest beak and you RULE the skies!!

turning 31 for me...definitely not my best birthday. i feel so many of the same feelings - this month - i am mourning my childhood as well :) I don't want to grow up!

Again...see you in Jackson. May 1st. Be. There. or Be. Square!

Jennifer Rose said...

Thanks for sharing this Misti! I don't think you realize what a strength you really are- to your family and to everyone else around you. I've also had similar feelings lately- check my blog for details- and I've concluded that sometimes just enduring life for the time being is enough. Thanks for showing me the courage to move forward with life. I hope I can have that same courage. You are amazing. Love you.

Tiffany Bills said...

I had no idea you were feeling this way on Thursday...I didn't even say anything to you on Friday-I'm sorry!

You are SO strong, really you are. You will look back at this someday and be proud of yourself and realize you did it, and you did it greatly!

We need a movie night, we need scones from Stans, and we need Jesus!
hahahaha
LOVE YOU

regina said...

i miss you. i can't cook worth a damn but i can clean and help run errands or anything else you need. i mean this sincerely misti. i would do anything for you.

lydia moyer said...

i wish i was with regina doing ANYTHING for you. maybe making you laugh while we do it.
your post hit home with me. feeling the need for change with myself also. my heart goes out to you. :)

About Me

My photo
Paul and I have been married 10 years. We have two beautiful little girls, Kylee and Aubrey. We are blessed with a great family and amazing friends. Life is good!